Building a great marriage may be one of the hardest endeavors people face. Getting marriage wrong can dramatically lower the quality of your life. We all have friends that can validate that statement.
On the other hand, when you get marriage right, you end up living the journey of life with a person who understands you, accepts you, and loves you. You have a relationship that is rock solid because of trust. There is an abundance of laughter, fun and intimacy.
Some of you might have read that last paragraph and thought, “Is that even possible?” The answer is yes! But it won’t happened without work. Here are some keys to building a great, life-giving marriage:
1. Be a good person.
A great marriage is built on trust, and each spouse should feel secure at all times. The only way to create this security is for there to be high levels of integrity. Your spouse must know that you are doing the right thing and will continue to do the right thing at home, at work, and with others. Any hint of cheating, deception, duplicity or infidelity will begin to chip away at the foundation of trust that is necessary for security. If you want to have a great marriage, work on yourself and be a good person.
2. Be unselfish.
Nothing kills a marriage faster than selfishness. It’s repulsive. Selfishness is the opposite of love because when a person is acting selfishly, they are putting the needs of the other person below their own. This makes the other person feel unloved and devalued. Unfortunately, this is our natural tendency as humans. That’s why the Apostle Paul gave us instruction in Philippians 2:4, “Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.”
3. Listen more than you talk.
The Greek Philosopher Epictetus put it this way, “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” When you fail to listen well, your spouse feels unheard and, therefore, not understood. When a person feels like they are not being understood, eventually, they feel unloved. If you want a great marriage, take the extra time to really listen to what your spouse is saying and not saying. Many times, non-verbal communication is more revealing than verbal. Steven Covey’s advice is solid, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
4. Bend to your spouse’s preferences.
Obviously, if both spouses practice preferring, things will work out much better; however, if you are at a grid lock, someone must go first. When it comes to movies, prefer. When it comes to restaurants, prefer. When it comes to intimacy, prefer. When it comes to entertainment, chores, and vacations, try to prefer your spouse. When you prefer your spouse, you honor them. What the Apostle Paul wrote in Romans 12:10 has proven invaluable to my marriage, “Outdo one another in showing honor.”
5. Use your words to encourage every day.
King Solomon wrote in Proverbs 18:21, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.” You and I literally have the power to lift our spouse up or tear them down with our words! The old saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” is simply not true. Words matter. Every day make it your goal to say something positive and uplifting to your spouse. They get enough negativity from everyone else, they do not need more from you. Let your words bring life instead of death.
Unfortunately, great marriages are the exception to the rule today. Why not try to be the exception. It won’t happen quickly, but it is possible for you to have a great marriage–if you will put in the work.
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