It is rare when we can say that something is a “sure thing,” but one of those sure things is that at some point, we will have to deal with difficult people. None of us receives a pass.
Think about the difficult people in your life–they are negative, complainers, and gossipers. They are unreliable and don’t follow through. They may be aggressive or passive aggressive. There are so many different types of difficult people that many authors have written books about how to identify and deal with them. (And…maybe YOU are one of those difficult people.)
If we don’t figure out how to deal with difficult people, we will live a life filled with a high level of frustration and absent of joy and peace. This will impact the overall quality of our lives. I’m still learning, but here are some things that have helped me as I interact with difficult people.
1. Work on myself.
That sounds intuitive, but it’s not! Jim Rohn said, “Don’t wish things were easier. Wish you were better.” We wish that our situation was different or people were different. What if we were the ones who got better and grew in our capacity to forgive and show grace? What if the situation didn’t change, but we changed? We can’t control the other person, but we can control ourselves.
2. Focus on my perspective.
Wayne Dyer once said, “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” If you work on your perspective, you will begin to view those difficult people differently. You will view the challenge differently. A book that has helped me greatly with this is The Obstacle is the Way, by Ryan Holiday. He said, “Within every obstacle is an opportunity to improve our condition.” It’s all about perspective!
3. Prepare myself.
Marcus Aurelius said, “The art of living is more like wrestling than dancing, because an artful life requires being prepared to meet and withstand sudden and unexpected attacks.” As I enter each day, I do it preparing myself that, more than likely, I will run into someone who is rude, selfish or arrogant. If I approach the day expecting it, then I won’t be blindsided.
It’s not a pessimistic view, but a proper view of reality. My expectations are based on the reality of humanity, and when I enter my day with this mindset, I am pleasantly surprised when someone isn’t difficult. An example is when you work really hard on a project at work. If you expect an “attaboy” and don’t get one, you will be angry and hurt. If you prepare yourself, you will be presently surprised if you do get praise or acknowledgement.
4. Listen to understand.
In his book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey calls it “empathic listening.” If you will take the time to really understand where they are coming from, often the difficult behavior will fade because they will feel heard and understood.
Most of us have the bad habit that instead of listening to the person, we are thinking of what to say and waiting for them to stop talking so we can respond. One tip I’ve learned over the years is to rephrase back to the person what they just said. It will help them see that you heard them, and it will also show if you actually understood what they were trying to say.
There is an Amish Proverb that says, “Instead of putting others in their place, put yourself in their place.” There may be some sort of pain in their life. It will help them heal because you’ve listened, and you may find yourself saying, “Given your experiences, I probably would have acted the same way.”
5. Set boundaries.
There comes a time with a difficult person that you’ve tried and tried, and you eventually have to say, “These are the boundaries. The next time you speak to me that way or touch me that way (or whatever the boundary is that you set), I will take this action.” You cannot control other people, but you can set boundaries and control your responses.
Boundaries only work when your soul is healthy and there is not a co-dependent relationship happening. It takes a lot of inner strength to set boundaries and stick with them, but you have to remember that sometimes, the only hope of their changing is to have a consequence to their actions.
Difficult people are par for the course. We have to learn how to deal with difficult people instead of jumping the gun to end professional or personal relationships.
What is a practical step you can implement to help you deal with the difficult people in your life?
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